well i have posted this before but i just got one answer and i needed more opinions i know the gramar is kind of messed up but im learning english and thats why im writing this story
“A BOYFRIEND!” I screamed really furious, I have to be dreaming
“Calm down! Breathe! Everybody is staring at us” she whispered really pleased, trying to be discreet.
“WHAT’S HIS NAME I’LL KILL HIM!”I said aloud I guess considering the situation, I made my best but it wasn’t enough her beautiful lightly pink skin has turn paper white and her usual bright light-blue eyes where dull , I forgot for a second how sensible she’s.
“Sorry” I whispered loud enough for her
I took like twenty five deep breaths and I walk in circles a while before been a jerk accidentally, again. I sit next to her and touching softly her cheek I asked “Could you beautiful lady tell me you’re boyfriend’s name?”
“Well I will consider that option” she said this time in a better mood she touch her blond curls and made a little but very significant smile.
“Lets go home” she add
“You’re really not telling me? Me…that I was born just to hear you” I said trying now to be funny and to be persuasive too.
“YOU…you don’t have cure, better take me home be responsible” she said while she gave me a punch in my tummy.
“That’s the mood you have after I told you my reason for living?”
She runs to Charles—that’s the name I put to my black Toyota Echo, my car in a few simple words—she open the door and nock the Clawson.
“HOME! I WANNA GO HOME!” she sang really loud
“Ok I’m going” I said while I shook my head, I got there and I turn on my car.
“Let’s go “home”—beeline” she interrupted me “I have homework”
“You’re sure you don’t want to spend a few more hours here?” I ask tentative
“You know it’s not a bad idea I can stay with my boyfriend and he maybe will like to carry me home it’s a great idea we alone in my room —I understood lets go home” I interrupted
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
i can’t really understand.
i’m not really sure what’s going on but the English is really not that bad, a few errors, maybe 12 or so.
Erm, Don’t use that many capitals, use an exclamation mark to show they are shouting by all means but no capitals…some sentances have gramatical and punctual errors for example…
“Calm down! Breathe! Everybody is staring at us” she whispered really pleased, trying to be discreet.
this should read as
“Calm down, breath. Everybody is staring at us,” she whispered (then the bit after this makes no sense at all.
You need to revise your grammatical errors and structure your sentences better.
Keep it up
Hmmm… It still needs a lot of work, but it’s good you realise all of the bad grammar in it. That needs the most work.
Some suggestions:
Stay in one tense. For instance, in the first line, change “have” to “had”.
You introduced the female character as “she”, which was confusing for me.
Also, change “she’s” to “she is”.
Don’t use slang words such as “like” in the narrative and “tummy” sounds too childish for the speaker.
The sentence, “made my best but it wasn’t enough her beautiful lightly pink skin has turn paper white and her usual bright light-blue eyes where dull” is bordering on purple prose. Take out some of the adverbs and adjectives – it’s unneeded.
Try not to use all caps in dialogue. It only works for some authors.
I think you mean to say “sensitive” when you use “sensible.”
The bad grammar makes this very hard to read and criticise. Work on punctuation, tenses, and phrasing and then focus on description.
I edited the first part for you, just to give you an idea of what you need to do to make this better:
“A boyfriend?” I roared, furious. I had to be dreaming.
“Calm down, breathe. Everybody’s staring at us,” she whispered, looking pleased but highly embarassed.
“What’s his name? I’ll kill him!”
Considering the situation, I could have reacted much more violently, but I did my best to keep calm. (Character’s name here)’s face had lost it’s usual pink glow and her blue eyes seemed unnaturally dim. I had forgotten for a second how sensitive she is.
“Sorry,” I whispered, loud enough for only her to hear.
I took several deep breaths and walked in circles for a few moments. I had lost my temper without thinking, again. I sat next to her and gently touched her cheek.
“Beautiful lady, could you tell me your boyfriend’s name?” I asked.
Just keep writing and practicing grammar. It will get better. Good luck.
